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Drash
for Shabbat Acharei Mot As I looked at parshat Acharei Mot, I noticed the section on forbidden sexual relationships, along with other laws of holiness. These laws covered incestuous and adulterous relationships, homosexuality, bestiality, and possible veiled references to sexuality in relation to idolatry. I was particularly interested in the familial relationships, including close friendships, and left the others for another time. These are described heterosexual relationships initiated by the man. The familial relationships section says that a man many not sleep with his mother, mother-in-law, sister, half-sister, sister-in-law, step-sister, granddaughter, daughter-in-law, and aunt by birth or marriage. By extrapolation it is also assumed that he will not sleep with his daughter or grandmother. Also covered here is marrying a sister for revenge, and sleeping with another married woman. In many ways these are stricter than contemporary civil definitions of incestuous and adulterous relationships, but it is interesting to note sexual relationships with one’s niece or cousin are not mentioned and are not prohibited by extrapolation, and that sleeping with an unmarried woman is not forbidden. In a contemporary reading these could and should be extrapolated out to include similar heterosexual relationships initiated by women, and same-sex relationships as well. I suspect from the way these prohibitions are worded, that they gave women some protection from male predation in times when extended families lived in very close proximity to each other. Even today, when this is not the case, it must be noted that in abusive relationships, and most if not all of these forbidden sexual relationships fall under the category of abuse today, the one who is being abused often knows, trusts, or loves the abuser, who is all too often a friend, family member or authority figure. In this respect the writers and redactors of the Torah had an innate sense of human psychology and utilized it in creating these laws. Forbidden sexual relationships occur when one party does not respect the intangible, emotional separation that is inherent in familial relationships. Each relationship has its own innate degree of separation. We realize that this degree of separation is flexible and changes over time, but that it is and will always be there. Each of our relationships is different from, not better or worse than any other. Each has its own sanctity and the degree of separation between parties that help to define the relationship has its own holiness that must be respected. Even if an actual abusive relationship does not occur, we can do harm by not understanding the degree of separation needed in a particular relationship at a particular time. I see this in the high number of divorced couples, and in the numbers of people who state that they are estranged from their parents, siblings, other members of their families, or close friends. While the degrees of separation are fluid, we have to know when is the right time to let the relationship change and if the change is a correct one. The intangible emotional relationship with a spouse or lover is different that with a parent, child, sibling or close friend. Each of our familial relationships has its own special sanctity and each degree of separation its own holiness. Each is not better or worse or smaller or larger, just different and needs to be respected as such. As we go into Passover, we need to understand that our personal relationships can be mitzrayim, narrow places, if we don’t respect their unique boundaries. If we learn to respect our relationships with our family members and friends for their own uniqueness and sanctity and their degrees of separation for their innate holiness, we can develop stronger more positive emotional intangible relationships. These stronger more positive relationships will help us to avoid the forbidden and often abusive sexual ones as well as other types of abuse and estrangement found in contemporary society. Shabbat Shalom.
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