This week’s parshah, Toldot, tells us the story of a family: Isaac and Rebecca, and their twin sons, Esau and Jacob. We learn a lot about the dynamics of this family. Esau, born first, was favored by Isaac. Jacob, born shortly thereafter, was favored by Rebecca. We learn about the childrens’ relationship with their parents and with each other. It has all the makings of a TV miniseries and presents what can be seen as a classic tale of sibling rivalry and the possible effects of parental favoritism.

In this parshah, we learn that Jacob tricks Esau out of both his birthright and their father’s principal blessing…not exactly stand-up, moral behavior. So why is Jacob looked upon so positively? Sure, Esau needed only the promise of a bowl of porridge to give up his birthright so maybe it wasn’t terribly important to him after all. It wasn’t until he didn’t have it that he realized how much he wanted it.

Hmm…sounds familiar. In fact, it’s something that happens often in my own home. One sibling, who hasn’t played with something in months, suddenly can’t live without it when the other sibling expresses an interest in it. And, of course, there are the countless times I hear, "It’s not fair that she gets (fill in the blank)" or "You love her more than me". Ahh, such are the dynamics of sibling relationships.

Esau and Jacob seem to get labeled early on; we are told that Jacob is the "good" brother and Esau is the "evil" brother. Yet, Jacob clearly exhibited behavior that wouldn’t qualify as good and Esau demonstrated behavior, at least earlier on, that wasn’t evil. The truth is that they both had the capacity for good and bad, as we all do. And, they had at least one thing in common: they both wanted their parents’ love and approval. Could these labels have contributed to the events that took place? In other words, had the brothers not been pitted against each other (with parents who clearly sided with one over the other), could their relationship have developed differently? How might that have affected events that were to come?

We’ll never know, of course, but it makes me think about my own journey as a parent. During my second pregnancy, I read many books to learn about how to effectively "manage" sibling relationships. At the top of the list of what NOT to do are things such as: don’t play favorites and appreciate each child for his/her unique qualities (don’t compare them to each other as that breeds resentment). Well, I guess Isaac and Rebecca didn’t read the same parenting books as I did, as these are exactly the types of things they did with Esau and Jacob.

My children have differences, yes, but those differences are to be celebrated and appreciated as they make them who they are as individuals. My goal is to have my children go out into this world knowing they are loved unconditionally by both of their parents and valued by both parents without favoritism shown to either. This total acceptance and love are the constants they should never doubt.